Hello? Hello? *Knocks on screen* Is this how it works? Can you hear me through the internetty?? I am honestly not so sure how this works and I am far too old to be learning all these new things. But apparently it is all the trend amongst the Muggles and the young people, so I figured I would give it a go. Apparently all you have to do is write down all your thoughts by pressing all these lettered buttons on the thingamabob lapdog? No, toplap? Still wasn’t it… laptop! Once you do that, everyone on the world wide web (whatever that is) can read what you type. Seems easy enough right? WRONG! Do you know how hard it is to keep up with all this modern technology when you are half a century old and live in a crumbling castle where all electronics do not work? I know I don’t look it, but being 52 and learning about all these Social Media things is not a walk in the park, let me tell you. Now imagine if I was as ancient as Valentine Hawksworth! Poor darling is 209 years old and probably doesn’t even know how to use a toaster.

I know I am not alone in struggling to keep up with the modern times and with all things Muggle, so this will be my way of sharing both my experiences and advice on how to stay updated on new foolish inventions and trends. At the very least perhaps I will be able to trick people into thinking I am a little more “hip”. Hogwarts and the Wizarding world do have to finally get with the times, and this is my attempt at doing just that.

I only now realized the irony of my project. If I am using the internet to post the blog and the blog is online, then HOW will non internetty people learn? Oh I know, I will just have to write this blog on parchment as well and disperse them in the Great Hall, but I might have to learn how to use a copy machine first… Oh, forgot I was a witch there for a second. I'll use Geminio of course! This Muggle stuff is already turning me into one it seems.

This is the Guide on How to Internet

Step 1: Turning on the computer
Where is the damned button!? I swear the makers of these monstrosities complicated on purpose just to keep the magical community at bay. Personally, I think they should make the button large and easy to see; that way no one will get stuck on the first step. I should probably add that being able to connect to the internet requires another strange device that makes screeching noises and also something called Eckleltricity. I read a book about it once and apparently the muggles can’t live without it. I don’t however recommend going to look for it, as it is said to give a nasty shock of indignation if one is to come into contact with said Ecklelticity. Sounds more like a pesky and magical creature to me.

Step 2: What do you use it for?
Keyword : CATS! The internet is full of cute little fluff balls and even better, you can find pictures of them in HATS. I can’t imagine anything more adorable and stylish. There are a lot of other things you can do of course, but no matter where you go, there are the cats again! I swear, one could almost think they were the ones running the internet universe.
For my own part, I attempt to use it to buy more hats, yet I always seem to get lost and suddenly I stumble into this place called Google. Not sure how it works or if it is telling me the truth, but Professor Heartgrove showed me how you can write any question in the world and it will answer it for you. It gives the most ridiculous answers though so I am not sure it can be trusted. I mean, nothing can possibly know all the answers, can it?

Scratch that, it is much better to talk to a Seer and keep away from the black hole that is Google and the dementors that surely live there.

Step 3: What to do when it doesn’t work
I know it can be tempting to trash the stupid thingamabob when it seems broken and does not obey your Imperius curse, but do attempt to restrain yourself. If I am being honest, my first laptop ended up in the Great Lake. I could pretend I was trying to do the merpeople a favor by gifting them Muggle technology, but alas, the truth is that I in anger threw it in and hoped it would sink to the bottom or be eaten by a Grindylow.
My best tip: if anything crashes or does not work, call a Muggle friend! Although fair warning, apparently being stuck on the same page for an hour or not understanding how to close an tab can not be considered an emergency. But it isn’t my fault that the technology is acting like a You-Know-Who and won’t cooperate!

Stay tuned for next time where we will discover more Muggle things and get Muggled Up in more magical mischief!

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